


Feels like the First Time

by razthelin (zarinthel)



Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:34:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26435761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zarinthel/pseuds/razthelin
Summary: “Minfilia,” Thancred says, tone taking on a serious, do-not-argue-with-me-young-lady type of tone. “I’m running out of imbued cartridges.” It sounded like an excuse to everyone present, but Minfilia didn’t put up much of a fight, silently leaving the room. Then it was just Valerian, Thancred, and Urianger.“Valerian,” Urianger began. “I am overjoyed to reunite with thee! I feel as though--”“Urianger,” Valerian says warmly, truly glad to see the scholar once more. “I’m happy to see you. It..” He glances at Thancred. “Has been too long. I deeply apologize, but can I kick you out of your own house for say.. Half an hour?”
Relationships: Warrior of Light/Thancred Waters
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	Feels like the First Time

“Minfilia,” Thancred says, tone taking on a serious, do-not-argue-with-me-young-lady type of tone. “I’m running out of imbued cartridges.” It sounded like an excuse to everyone present, but Minfilia didn’t put up much of a fight, silently leaving the room. Then it was just Valerian, Thancred, and Urianger. 

“Valerian,” Urianger began. “I am overjoyed to reunite with thee! I feel as though--”

“Urianger,” Valerian says warmly, truly glad to see the scholar once more. “I’m happy to see you. It..” He glances at Thancred. “Has been too long. I deeply apologize, but can I kick you out of your own house for say.. Half an hour?” 

Urianger pauses in his speech, and a small smile creeps across his face. 

“I find it most urgent to consult with the little Minfilia on her last choice of manuscript from my abode,” He says, giving Valerian a very understanding look. “I shall wish thee a happy reunion.” 

Thancred sputters behind Valerian as Urianger makes his way out the front door, several tomes held carefully in his hands. 

Valerian turns back to Thancred, finally allowing himself to soak up all the new and old details of his lover. Thancred has lost the rattail, keeping his hair trimmed back to how it was when they first met. The choker is back, which is a nice touch. 

But the way he’s looking at Valerian.. 

When Thancred was young, he’d skulk around taverns just to hear the off key sounds of a drunken singer finishing up their night. He’d thought, with the stubborn arrogance of a starved street rat, that he could do that to, except better. 

But people don’t pay pickpockets to sing, and Louisoux didn’t pick him off the streets to waste the talents he _did_ have. But Thancred kept up the concept, using the idea of himself as a bard to open conversations, to charm ladies with cheap, empty poetry. As he grew older, the idea of being a bard just stopped mattering-- it was just an ironic way into a free drink at the bar, a harmless opener for asking lots of specific questions. 

Eventually, even his bland rhymes dried up along with his drinking. 

And then he met Val. 

_Valerian Caligorne._

Val had once asked him to sing for him, since he was a bard. Thancred had laughed at the time, as his mind provided simple, easy tunes, his normal type of lyrics. Roses are red, violets are blue, your lips are so sweet, that I’d like to kiss you--

He couldn’t say it. 

Let alone singing it, the words got stuck in his throat before he could hum a single note. He’d swallowed the words back before Val could notice, distracting him with a real kiss. And if Val noticed-- which he most certainly had, since he’d never asked to hear Thancred sing again-- then... then that was fine. 

One day, he’d be able to manage it, and it would be... fine. No matter how terrible he was, Valerian would still clap and cheer and smile at him and kiss him and--

Three years ago, he’d started to write lyrics. 

Each line awful, embarrassing, ugly..

With Minfilia around, he missed Val more. When she learned her first dagger set, Thancred had turned around for some stupid reason, eager to see Valerian’s easy congratulations. 

He wasn’t there, of course. 

Not that year.. Not the next..

“Thancred,” Val says, smiling at him. “We’ve got half an hour.” 

He’s still wearing the black robe he wore when Thancred last saw him five years ago. The same necklace, same bracelets.. The only thing that’s changed is his hair, the pink completely gone. It’s lavender now, edged in dark red. 

It’s reassuring that Val changed at least one thing. Thancred doesn’t know if he could handle being the only one who was different. 

“Thancred?” Valerian repeats his name, sounding a little hesitant. It jerks Thancred out of his spiraling thoughts. “If you don’t want to..” 

He loves Valerian so much. It rips through him like a rusted shank knife through his ribs, so visceral that he can feel the fevered damage sink into his bloodstream. 

“I..” Thancred’s been planning what he’s going to say to Valerian for so long. Like always, his words fail him when he needs them most. “I missed you,” he finishes, weakly. 

Val used to say that to him all the time, no matter if he’d been gone for a couple of days or disappeared into the Lifestream for close to a _year_. But he hasn’t said it to him, since they met this morning. It makes something squirm and twist in Thancred’s chest. 

What if...?

Something raw and wounded hides in Valerian’s eyes as he lunges forward, locking his arms around Thancred in a hug. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers in Thancred’s ear. 

Valerian had gotten very drunk once and told Thancred that he’d joined the Scions because he thought Thancred was cute. Even then, Thancred had no way of knowing how much of that was just Val being a clingy drunk. 

“I’m sorry,” Valerian continues to mumble, his hands carefully picking through Thancred’s hair, little bits of healing magic slipping through Thancred as he pushes his aether through Thancred in order to check for injuries. 

No matter the circumstances, a hundred years wouldn't be enough to stop Thancred’s body’s reaction to Val’s aether. He gasps into Val’s collarbone, goosebumps breaking out all over his skin. 

“Val-- darling, you know I’m.. sensitive,” Thancred says. This still feels like an illusion to him, like a better version of the many, many times Valerian had visited him in his dreams. 

There’s a pause, and then Val pulls back a little, curling his finger under Thancred’s choker and pulling it up a little. It takes most of Thancred’s willpower to stop himself from just leaning into his hand. 

“Darling?” Val repeats, and his eyes light up with joy and relief. “Darling.." He turns it over, tasting the nickname. "It’s sweet. I like it. Okay, my love. Do I get to see what’s under the coat?” 

The first time Val had ever called him that was in the middle of Ishgard, right in front of Alphinaud, Hilda, and _Aymeric_. He’d kissed him, wished him well, and then waved goodbye and left him to pick up the scraps of his ragged dignity. It’s resulted in Thancred having many embarrassingly simple fantasies over the years of Valerian saying that to him while he’s being swarmed by his ill thought out ex partners, and causing them all to scatter. 

In reality, he knows that Val finds his exes to be funny anecdotes, and about as threatening as a pack of snurbles. But still..

Thancred shrugs out of his coat while Val watches. 

“You put on muscle,” Val observes, mouth quirking up. 

When he’d found Minfilia, he’d vowed to become a real protector, the type of person who would be able to stand between the people he loved and danger. Saying that in front of Val feels kind of.. 

Valerian kisses him on the cheek, then places his hands on either side of Thancred’s face so he can’t look away. 

“Thancred,” he says, voice flattening as it becomes more serious. “We don’t have to have sex. You seem..distracted.” 

_Distressed_ , Val means. Gods dammit, can he not even let go of the past enough to see Val right in front of him! He’s wanted this for years! Thancred shakes his head rapidly. No, no, if he has to spend one more night without him he’s going to break apart at the seams. 

Thancred wets his lips. 

“Well,” he says, “I thought about becoming a knight in shining armour, but it seems like everyone here hates the color white.”

“I like you in white,” Valerian says, smile lighting up his face. “You can be my white knight, if you want.” His violet eyes catch Thancred in their soft spell. “Want to carry me upstairs, love?” 

He does, he wants to so badly that he could cry. 

He scoops Valerian up into a princess carry, and feels Valerian’s arms settle around his neck. He’s here, he’s really here, in his arms--

Thancred still doesn’t know how he got so lucky. 

Val’s fingers go back to playing with his choker, which makes the simple task of walking up stairs much, much harder. 

“I’ve always thought you looked good with something around your neck,” Val says, because he likes committing murder. He keeps tracing the tattoos on Thancred’s neck, expression fond. 

Thancred draws in a deep breath that makes him really feel the choker, something that’s never been an issue until right this moment. 

“Val,” he says. “Darling, where do you want to be--”

“Actually,” says Valerian. “This is for you, Thancred.” He’s serious about this, eyes focused on every cue Thancred’s giving off. “Tell me, love. What did you miss the most?” 

_You._

But that’s not what Val is asking him. 

_When he’d first arrived here, he’d had lots and lots of desperate fantasies. But the years had worn him down to one aching longing._

“I think about it sometimes,” Thancred says, voice quiet. “You’re sitting down, on a chair or on the edge of a bed or on a throne-- and.. And I’m there, kneeling. A-and then, after a while, you ask me to,” his tongue rejects the words, but he keeps going, “sing for you.” And then, after hes done with his masterpiece, Valerian.. Rewards him. 

_He regrets it even as he says it, an ugly embarrassment knotting up his stomach. Of course, in the _fantasy_ , he’s always very good at everything. Would that that was so in front of Val. _

Valerian stares at him for a second, and then leans his head in to rest on Thancred’s shoulder. One of his hands begins to stroke Thancred’s hair, a soft, soothing motion. 

Thancred is waiting for one of Val’s normal lines, like ‘only that?’ or ‘anything you want, love’ which is already probably more than he can take. But instead... 

“Well, my knight?” Val says to him, and his tone has changed, dragging a soft velvet coat of authority over itself in the way that he so rarely cares to do. “Have you come to serve?” 

Thancred’s head feels light, like he’s caught in another faerie daze. 

He nods, then feels like that’s not enough. 

“Yes..” Titles drift through his mind, but he’s not sure which to use. Ser? My lord? My liege? They all.. They don’t quite fit. 

Valerian cups his face. 

“Try again, love.” 

Thancred swallows. 

“Yes, my darling,” he says, his mouth soft around the words. 

“That’s better. Okay, Thancred. You need to put me down.” 

Even though this was at Thancred’s own request, he finds himself reluctant to let Val go, even for a moment. Nevertheless, he lowers Val to the edge of the bed, and then himself sinks down to his knees. 

It always feels so good like this. He looks up at Val through lowered eyelashes, remapping the angles of his face, the curves of his ears, the crinkles around his eyes. 

“Not even going to take your shirt off for me?” 

If Val ever pouts for real Thancred doesn’t know what he’ll do. He shifts a little on his knees, pulling at his undershirt in order to get it over his head and toss it aside. The second it’s off, he feels Val’s hand settle back on his neck, pressing his head to rest against Val’s thigh. 

He wants to stay here forever. 

“Next time,” Val says to him, “I need to remember to get you a pillow for your knees.” His hand is still softly petting Thancred’s hair as he talks. “But you’re my knight, hm?  
So you’re willing to put up with some discomfort for my sake.” 

Everything seems loose inside of Thancred’s head. 

“I’d kneel for you in a gutter,” he says. 

Val’s hand tightens on his hair. 

“I would never ask you to do that.” 

Thancred knows. 

Val sighs, fond and content. 

“I could blindfold you,” he says, thoughtful. “But then I wouldn’t be able to see your pretty eyes. I missed them, when you kept one covered for a while.” 

Valerian had never said anything about that in the past. He’d worn the eye covering to keep a better low profile, while interacting with various underbellies. An eyepatch was common, unremarkable. A silver eye was not. 

But he thinks he’d have just dealt with the extra problems, if he’d known. 

He squirms a little on his knees, trying to give his dick nonexistent room in his tight pants. The first time Val had told him to take the shirt off and then just left him in his pants, he’d assumed that he’d just...forgot. But by now, he’s pretty sure Val just likes watching him suffer in leather pants. 

One of Val’s thumbs runs across his mouth, and Thancred’s lips open habitually, letting the digit slip inside. He lavs his tongue around it, sucking on it until Valerian half laughs, half groans, and pulls it free. 

His thumb is wet as he tucks it under Thancred’s choker. 

“You’re so eager,” Val says, voice full of wonder. “I wish we had more time... but I have an idea.” 

The last time Val said that to him, Thancred had had to pretend he was hungover the next day to avoid questions about why he couldn’t talk. 

“Okay,” says Thancred. 

“You haven’t heard the idea yet,” Val says. 

“Okay,” Thancred says again. 

Valerian gives him a very slow blink, then stops asking. 

“Open up your pants, my lovely knight.-- No, don’t move your head, I like you where you are.” 

Thancred feels the flush build on his cheeks. He knows that Val has changed his address solely at his own request, but it gets to him anyway. He _wants_ to be that for Valerian. His hands move without him thinking about it, fumbling at the zipper but getting it down far enough. 

“Underwear doesn’t fit under those pants?” 

Valerian sounds thrilled. 

Thancred opens and then closes his mouth, biting the inside of his cheek. He has the sinking sensation that he’s just opened himself up to a lot of future problems... but he can’t bring himself to mind. 

“Good to know. Okay, love. I’m going to set you a task. It might be a little hard for you, but as long as you do your best I’m sure you’ll succeed. Now. do you feel my hand on your neck?” 

Val’s thumb tugs at his choker again, and Thancred’s breath seizes up. He nods. 

“That’s great. Now, put one of your hands around your cock. Just hold, don’t move yet.” 

Thancred feels more white noise creep into his brain. 

He does as he’s told. 

“Now, we’re going to play a little game. This hand around your throat? You’re going to pretend like this is the one that’s around your cock.” 

Thancred’s eyes flutter closed for a second. Oh.. gods. 

“Remember,” Val says “Your hand... is mine.” 

He doesn’t think he’s ever going to be able to forget. 

Valerian’s thumb sweeps up the front column of his throat, and this is his hand Thancred does the same below. He’s-- he’s been only using his own hands for-- for as long as he’s been on the First, but-- 

The hand sweeps up and down for another caress of his throat. 

Thancred arches his throat up as he follows along. But this isn’t him. Those are Val’s hands taking care of him. On his neck, in his hair, around his erection-- all of it is Valerian. 

“You look so pretty like this,” Val tells him. His voice is calm, soothing. His hand never stops. “My knight, my love, you came before me with a request. You claimed that it would be a boon, a favor to you, but I can only see it as further service to me. Not a gift that I can bestow upon you, but another gift among hundreds that you lay at my feet.” 

His words work themselves inside Thancred’s head as the chafe of not using any lubricant begins to sting. The pain makes him shift and shudder as it mixes with the euphoria that’s flooding through his veins. 

<“But I still treasure every one of those gifts,” Val continues, and Thancred can almost believe it’s real. That Valerian does have a room full of strange and wonderful things that Thancred has brought to him from all over and beyond the known world, preserved flowers and old tomes and exotic foreign coins. 

He wants to give him something that no one else can give. 

“Valerian..” Thancred says, just to be able to say his name. Just to have him respond. 

“You can’t come yet, love. I still have one thing left to steal from your lips.” As he says this, Valerian leans down to press a light kiss against his mouth, then pulls back as Thancred mindlessly tries to follow his head up. “You promised me a song, my knight.” 

Ah. 

Thancred’s mouth opens on a silent gasp as Val’s hand stops moving. _Please_ , Thancred wants to beg. Forget about that. He didn’t mean it. Just keep moving your hand on my cock, please. 

But knights aren’t like rogues. They don’t break promises, don’t disappear into the night without a word. 

Thancred opens his mouth, words rusty. 

“Right.. Now?” 

He doesn’t know if he can. He really wants to sound.. Better than this. Valerian deserves better. 

“No, not right now. Here’s how I think this is going to go: I’m going to make you come, very soon. And then I’m going to feel very tired, and ask if I can rest my head in your lap, and shut my eyes for a second. And then..” 

Valerian is so kind to him. Always giving him a way out, even from requests he himself made. Never pressing him for more, never minding his endless stewing in his old failures. 

“I can do it,” Thancred says, even though he doesn’t know if he can. It’s all mixed up in his head, the ache of longing for Val and the ache of writing songs that make his emptiness feel real, and the edge of desperation he feels when he’s on his third drink in a shithole bar and he’s willing to try a song on the barmaid but nothing comes out. 

“I know you can,” says Val. And he believes it, which is the worst part. 

His hand drops from Thancred’s hair to wrap around the hand that Thancred has kept around his cock. And then he begins to move his hand. 

When the loneliness got to be too much, Thancred would do something like this, making up strange, impossible scenarios that Val could see him from the Source, could whisper instructions in his ear. He could never convince himself though, because Valerian had more confidence in Thancred’s skill after knowing him for two weeks than  
Thancred’s had in himself for 37 years. 

“Thancred,” Val says to him, and the affection overflows from his voice, echoing through the crevices of Thancred’s heart. “Do you have something to say to me...?” 

His lungs hurt. 

“Please, Val,” Thancred begs. Gods, he’s missed this part. “Please, let me come.” 

Valerian kisses the top of his head. 

“You’ve earned it,” he says. 

And hearing that-- 

In Valerian’s hands, Thancred is so easy. He muffles his noises against Valerian’s leg as the climax hits him, struggling to remain on his knees. He doesn’t have permission to move. 

“You’re so good for me,” Val whispers to him, the familiar words sweeping through him, letting him shift into the sweet daze that accompanies any sort of scene with Val. But he’s pulled a little closer to reality as Valerian tugs him up from his knees and onto the bed, next to him. Then Valerian leans his head on Thancred’s shoulder, his arm draped loosely around his waist. 

“Whenever you’re ready, love,” Val says to him, sleepy but assured. 

And Thancred remembers. 

He’s never imagined singing to Valerian like this, with him warm and relaxed against his side. Usually he thinks its a bar setting, and Val suddenly asks him for a quick tune; or its a date, and he’s finally ready to give a sweeping romantic gesture; or its spontaneous, natural, where he’s singing while he walks down a crowded street and Val hears him and runs over-- 

This is better. 

“Well?” He asks Val tentatively. “Got any requests?” 

For a wild moment, he thinks Valerian is going to ask for some old Shroud folksong that he’s never heard of. But instead... 

“My mom used to sing this song that she got from an ex-pirate turned Thanalan sell sword,” Valerian says. “It’s called the Rogue River Valley?” 

_Oh._

Oh, he knows this one. 

__From this valley they say you are leaving  
We shall miss your bright eyes and sweet smile  
For you take with you all of the sunshine  
That has brightened our path all the while..._ _

He’d first heard this song sung as a lullaby when he was still a young thief listening at doorways. He’d wondered at the time why you would sing something so sad to a child, but he thinks he understands now. 

When you sing to someone you love, even the Rogue River Valley sounds sweet and happy to their ears. 

He can feel Valerian smiling against his shoulder. 

“You sound so beautiful,” he says, and Thancred can’t tell if he’s lying. “I’m so happy you wanted me to hear that.” 

Thancred hides his head against Val’s back, and ignores if his face is wet. All of that, and it had been so simple, so easy. So-- 

One day, he’ll be able to sing something just for Valerian. 

_I love you_ , he mouths against Val’s back. 

One day. 

__Then come sit by my side if you love me_  
Do not hasten to bid me adieu  
Just remember the Rogue River Valley  
And the pirate that's loved you so true.._

**Author's Note:**

> rouge river valley: red river valley, real song except about cowboys instead of pirates. look it up, is a lovely melody.


End file.
